How do I check on a mate on the crew who seems to be struggling?

Pull him aside somewhere quiet, tell him plainly what you've noticed, and if you're worried, ask him straight: "Are you thinking about suicide?" Asking that question does not put the idea in his head. That is a myth. It gives him permission to be honest, and it can save his life. You do not need training or the right words. You need to notice, ask, listen, and help him get to real help. If he tells you he intends to harm himself right now, call 911 and stay with him. For anything short of that, call or text 988 together. It is free, confidential, and answered 24/7 by a real person. You could be the one person who reaches him in time.‍‌‌‌‌‌‌​​‌​​​​​‌‌‌‌​​‌​‌‌​‌‌‌​‌‌‍

You do not have to be an expert

You are not being asked to diagnose anyone or to fix anyone. You are being asked to do what you already do on site every day: notice when something is off, and not walk past it. You would not walk past a guy working at height with no tie-off. Someone who is clearly not coping is the same kind of thing. You step in.

The single most important fact in this whole guide is this: asking someone directly whether they are thinking about suicide does not plant the idea or make it more likely. The research is clear. Asking the question straight reduces the shame around it and opens the door to help. Not asking is the bigger risk. Hold onto that, because the fear of "saying the wrong thing" is what stops most people, and it is misplaced.

Notice the change

Most people who are struggling do not announce it. They go quiet, or they cover it. You are not looking for a diagnosis. You are looking for a shift away from how this person normally is. The signs from the construction-specific guidance fall into three groups.

What they do on site:

• Pulling away from the crew. Eating alone, going quiet, keeping to themselves when they used to be in the mix.
• More near misses, taking chances with equipment, or ignoring safety they used to respect.
• Showing up late, leaving early, or not turning up at all.
• Turning up drunk, hungover, or high.
• Work slipping, or not being able to concentrate.
• Giving away tools, gear, or things that matter to them.

What they say:

• Talking more about death, dying, or "what's the point."
• Lines like "nobody would miss me" or "you'd all be better off without me."
• Dwelling on past mistakes and guilt.
• Asking about life insurance, or what would happen to their family.

What you can see:

• A clear change in how they look or their hygiene.
• Mood gone flat, or swinging between extremes.
• Talk of settling affairs or "getting things sorted."

One more thing worth knowing: someone who has just taken a big hit, a relationship ending, a home lost, getting laid off the last job, a serious health scare, legal or money trouble, is at higher risk even if they seem to be holding it together. If you know a mate has just been through something like that, that is a reason to check in, not a reason to give him space.

Ask straight out

When you have noticed enough to be concerned, do this. It does not need a script, but it does need to be direct and private.

• Get him on his own. Pull him aside during a break, away from the crew. Not in front of everyone.
• Say what you've seen, plainly. Do not dance around it. "You've not seemed yourself lately. You doing alright?" or "I've been a bit worried about you. What's going on?"
• If you're concerned, ask the question. "Are you thinking about suicide?" or "Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?" Say it calmly and mean it. Again: asking this does no harm. Not asking can.

Asking straight tells him two things at once, that you noticed, and that he is allowed to be honest with you. For someone who has been carrying it alone, that can be an enormous relief.

Then just listen

This is the part people get wrong because they want to help so badly they start fixing. Your job here is not to fix it. Your job is to listen and to stay.

• Let him talk. Do not rush to solutions.
• Do not minimize it. The worst things you can say are "it's not that bad," "man up," or "other guys have it worse." Those shut the conversation down instantly and confirm every reason he had for staying silent.
• Take what he says seriously, whatever it is.

You listening without judgment is, on its own, doing something. It is not nothing. It is often the thing that gets someone through the worst night.

Get them to help, and know when it's a 911

Listening is the middle of the job, not the end. The end is connecting him to real support.

• Share 988. Tell him he can call or text it, and offer to sit with him or make the call together. It is free, confidential, and answered any time by a trained person. If he would rather text than talk, the Crisis Text Line takes a text of HOME to 741741.
• Use the EAP if your company has one. Many employers and union funds have a free, confidential Employee Assistance Program. Share the number if you have it.
• If drink or drugs are part of it, SAMHSA's helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) is free and confidential and connects to treatment.
• If he tells you he intends to harm himself right now, that is a 911. At that point his safety is the only thing that matters. Call 911, stay with him, do not leave him alone, and remove the means to act if you can do so safely.

A simple way to remember the whole thing is the four-step model that construction suicide-prevention trainers use, TASC: Tune in (notice the signs), Ask (ask directly, calmly, no judgment), State (say clearly that you take this seriously and that help is there), Connect (get him to a resource, 988, the EAP, or a supervisor). That is it. You already have everything you need to do it.

Follow up

One conversation is a start, not a finish. If a mate seemed off on Tuesday, check in again on Friday. Ask how he's doing and mean it, not just how the job's going. Knowing that someone actually noticed, and came back, tells a struggling person they are not invisible. That steady, unremarkable follow-up is often what carries someone through.

Common questions

Will I make it worse if I ask someone directly about suicide?

No. Asking someone directly whether they are thinking about suicide does not plant the idea or make them more likely to act. That is a myth, and the research is clear on it. Asking the question straight actually reduces the shame around it and gives the person permission to be honest, which is often the opening they needed. The real risk is staying silent because you are afraid of saying the wrong thing. If you are worried about a mate, ask calmly and directly: "Are you thinking about suicide?" Then listen and help him reach 988.

What do I say to start the conversation with a coworker?

Get him on his own away from the crew, and say plainly what you've noticed: "You've not seemed yourself lately, you doing alright?" You do not need a script, just honesty and privacy. Say what you've seen without dancing around it, and if you're concerned, ask the direct question about suicide. Then listen more than you talk, and do not minimize what he tells you. Avoid "it's not that bad" or "man up," which shut people down. Your job is to listen and connect him to help like 988, not to fix it.

When should I call 911 instead of just talking to them?

Call 911 the moment someone tells you they intend to harm themselves right now, or is in immediate danger. At that point their safety is the only priority. Stay with them, do not leave them alone, and if you safely can, remove the means to act. You can call or text 988 together while help is on the way. For someone who is struggling but not in immediate danger, 988 (call or text) or your company's EAP is the right route, not 911. When in doubt about immediate danger, treat it as an emergency and call 911.

My coworker is drinking or using more than usual. Is that a warning sign?

Yes, a clear increase in drinking or drug use can be one of the warning signs that someone is struggling, and it also raises the risk on its own. It often travels with the other signs: pulling away from the crew, taking chances with equipment, showing up hungover or high, work slipping. Do not treat it as just a discipline issue. Check on the person behind it the same way you would for any other sign, ask directly and without judgment. If substance use is part of what's going on, SAMHSA's free, confidential helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) connects to treatment.

Do I need training to check on a struggling workmate?

No. You do not need any formal training or clinical knowledge to check on a mate. You need to notice a change, ask directly, listen without judgment, and help him get to real help. A simple four-step model trainers use is TASC: Tune in, Ask, State that you take it seriously, Connect him to a resource like 988 or the EAP. Free suicide-prevention training does exist through construction bodies like CIASP if you want it, but you do not have to wait for it to have the conversation. The worst thing you can do is nothing.

The honest bit

• If someone is in immediate danger, do not wait to finish reading. Call 911. To reach out for yourself or a mate, call or text 988 any time, or text HOME to 741741. For drink or drugs, call SAMHSA at 1-800-662-HELP.
• This is plain guidance for a workmate, not clinical or medical advice. You are not expected to be a counselor, and you cannot be responsible for another person's choices. Your job is to notice, ask, and connect them to people who are trained for this.
• Asking directly about suicide is safe and can save a life. Not asking is the bigger risk. If you take one thing from this, take that.
• Whether your workplace has an EAP, and what local support exists, varies. See Working in Your State for what's near you, but 988, 741741, and SAMHSA work everywhere in the US.

Spotted something wrong or out of date? Email us at hello@kilnguides.co.uk.

In crisis? 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline 988 · Mental health support

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